June 10, 2014

Pregnancy Thoughts

We decided after the wedding that when my prescription for birth control was done I wouldn't go back to get a refill, that's when we would start trying to have a family. I guess try would be the wrong word to use, our plan was to just see what happens.

I've always, always known that I wanted to be a mom. Everyone who knows me, knows that I love kids. And if you have a baby, I will steal it to hold on to it until they cry and I have to hand them over {not that I get uncomfortable as soon as they start to cry, I know it's best to give them back to mom & dad at that point}. I always knew that I wanted to have a baby sooner in life rather than later. I didn't have a bucket list of items that needed to be crossed off before having a baby. The plan for me in my life was to date a guy, get engaged, get married, own a house & then start a family.

I met THE GUY {love you babe} and we started dating in September 2007, we bought a house in February 2011, we got engaged in August 2011 and got married in May 2013. In August 2013, is when I would say we started to try for a family.

August, September, November, December and January came and went and we still weren't pregnant. I'm the type of person when I get something in my mind, I make it happen. I don't take my time, I don't think it through, I just get it done. Neil teases me all the time that this is a trait I take after my dad {and I totally agree} and it can be difficult to try to reason with me because if I'm not making it happen, I get frustrated, angry or sad.

My thoughts during those 5 months were "we're the ones with the plan, who can do it and it's not going to happen for us", "I'm meant to be a mom, I've always wanted to have kids and I'm not going to be able to do it naturally. We're going to need help, and we can't afford it", "Is something wrong with me that it's not happening ?", "Why is it taking SO long ?"

Totally surprisingly on Valentines Day, at night, at home, the whatever-th pregnancy test I had taken came out positive. I still remember the feeling in my chest of my heart wanting to explode and me trying to stay cool because I had a plan of how I was going to tell Neil. I remember giving him his gift, my eyes welling up with tears saying "I think I'm pregnant" and just crying and smiling. I can start crying right now just thinking about it. It was the moment I had been waiting for for the past 5 months, and honestly my entire life.

I have been reading blogs for quite a few years now and for some reason a majority of them in the beginning were pregnancy loss blogs. I don't know how I found them or why I kept reading them, but I feel like those blogs of loss and heartache gave me so much more appreciation of the fact that we were pregnant.

I was very cautious in the beginning. I didn't want to get too excited yet I was so excited. This is what we wanted so badly and it finally was here for us ! I wanted to be positive & optimistic but also real. Real in the sense that things happen. They happening in beginning, the middle and even at the end. People told me you can't focus on that, you can't think that way.. but I was. That's just how I felt in the beginning.

I'm 21 weeks and and 2 days right now. I'm feeling a little big these past couple of days. My clothes aren't fitting great, my boobs are so big that I just want to have a reduction tomorrow to feel somewhat better, my body aches quite a bit most days and I feel hungry a lot. I haven't felt any movement yet, but there's definitely something in there because my belly is big and I have to get up to pee during the night every night now.

There's a life growing inside of me that my husband and I created. I am growing a human being who will be making an appearance in 18 weeks. How can I complain about anything when there are people I know who have lost their babies early, in the middle and at the end ? I feel so grateful that I got a positive pregnancy test, that I got to see our poppy-seed dancing on the screen at 11 weeks, that I've had a really easy & good pregnancy so far. I feel so lucky that we get to have a baby.

Anyone who is going through the rough patch of trying to get pregnant, having a miscarriage, having complications with their pregnancy, and experiencing the grief of loss.. I'm thinking about you. My story of getting to this point isn't rough or sad and again I really have no complaints, but I still think about the ones who haven't had it as easy as they should have.

I may feel big, kind of fat, hungry and sore.. But overall I feel very, very lucky & thankful if those things mean poppy-seed is growing inside of me.

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