I had a breakdown today.
The type of breakdown that had me sitting at my desk, crying and not being able to control it.
I had a bad weekend. I felt very irritated, tired, angry, moody, annoyed. Everything that doesn't feel great. I snapped at my husband for no reason, I got mad at people in the mall just because they were walking, I nit-picked everything. I was just a general b*tch.
This morning as I sat at my desk I realized how awful I was and couldn't help but cry. Trying to talk to someone on the phone while tears ran down my face isn't easy. So I asked if I could go home.
I think everything I've been feeling and keeping inside lately had to release and it came through tears. I have a great life, I do. I have a wonderful husband who I love very, very much. I have a family who I always have fun with, who is always there for me & I get to see all the time. I have a job that I like, a roof over my head, money in our bank account, 2 cats that keep me entertained. What is there to be sad about ?
I'm sad because my body isn't making sense to me right now. I have a goal on my mind and I just can't make it happen. For the past 6 months, I've been thinking about it, trying to make it happen and it isn't. It's too early to really talk to or see someone about it, which doesn't make it easier. It's too early to feel so defeated but it's hard not to. It's too early is what everyone says, but when I've been thinking about it constantly for the past 6 months, it doesn't feel "too early" for me.
I want to be positive, I want to feel like when it will happen is when it's meant to happen, I don't want to worry or stress about the unknown or the uncontrollable. But it is so f*cking hard. I can admit I'm not a patient person. I can admit that when I want something, it gets done and that's that. So this past little while has just felt tough.
I just want my body to figure itself out and get into a regular schedule. To feel that everything is going to be okay and work out. To experience the excitement I'm waiting for. And to not feel so down about it all. I don't want to feel like a grouchy, mean, short tempered person. I want to feel happy, good & positive again.